The argument started over a hoodie. A faded, oversized thing their 14-year-old refused to take off for a family dinner. The mom rolled her eyes, the dad snapped, “You’re not going dressed like that,” and within seconds the teenager was upstairs, door slammed, headphones on. Silence flooded the house where laughter used to live. The parents looked at each other and said what so many say: “We love this kid more than anything. Why is everything a fight?”
Love is there, no doubt. It shows in packed lunches, late-night drives, bills paid, lights kept on. Yet more and more teens quietly repeat the same line in therapy offices and group chats: “My parents say they love me, but they don’t really know me.”
Somewhere between “I’m just trying to raise you right” and “You’ll thank me later”, a gap opens.
And that gap is where kids start to slip away.
1. Refusing to apologize when they’re clearly wrong
Watch a child’s face the first time a parent says, “I’m sorry, I messed up.”
Their shoulders drop. Their eyes soften. It’s like someone just opened a window in a stuffy room. Yet many parents will twist themselves into knots before uttering those three simple words. They’ll change the subject. They’ll buy a treat. They’ll pretend it never happened. Anything but admit they lost their temper, misjudged, or snapped unfairly.
In 2008, China built subway stations in the middle of nowhere. In we finally see how naïve we were
A 16-year-old I interviewed described it perfectly: “My dad will yell, slam doors, say things that wreck me. Next day he acts like nothing happened and offers to drive me to practice. That’s his ‘sorry’. But I still remember the words.”
Children read that as one thing: my parent’s ego matters more than my feelings. Over time, kids stop bringing their truth. Why tell you you’ve hurt me if you’ll deny it or minimize it?
That’s when love starts to feel unsafe, even when it’s real.
The logic behind “never apologize to your kids” is usually fear: fear they’ll disrespect you, fear you’ll lose authority. Yet the opposite tends to happen. An adult who can own their mistakes models real strength. It tells the child, “You’re not crazy, what you felt was real, and I care enough to fix it.”
Let’s be honest: nobody really does this every single day. Some days you’re exhausted and defensive. Still, a simple “I was too harsh last night, you didn’t deserve that tone” is not weakness. It’s emotional leadership. Without those moments, kids don’t feel loved less. They just feel loved at a distance.
2. Refusing to listen without jumping straight to judgment
The quickest way to make a child stop talking is to cut them off with a lecture before they finish speaking. A child begins by asking if they can share something and moments later finds themselves in what feels like a trial rather than a simple talk. Some parents believe they listen well because they spend a lot of time talking to their children. However listening requires different abilities than speaking does. Real listening means staying silent even when you desperately want to fix something or tell them what to do or react with worry.
I spoke with a college freshman who stopped telling her mom anything about dating in high school. The reason wasn’t lack of trust that her mom loved her. It was that every confession turned into a moral seminar. “I’d say, ‘I like this boy,’ and before I could finish, she’d be on a 20-minute monologue about grades, teen pregnancy, respect. I just stopped mentioning boys at all. She thinks I never dated. I did. A lot. Just not with her in the loop.”
That silence isn’t rebellion. It’s survival.
When a child thinks they will be judged they change their story. They share the version that feels safe or they say nothing at all. As time passes parents start raising an imaginary child instead of the real one in front of them. Listening does not mean you agree with everything. It means you let the complete and complicated truth come out before you respond. A basic approach works well: ask three questions before you share your thoughts. Questions like “What happened?” and “How did that feel?” & “What do you want to do?” often teach you more than many quick lectures would. Children who feel heard remain close to you even when they make decisions you do not like.
3. Refusing to respect privacy as kids grow
There’s a strange double standard in many homes. Parents demand honesty and trust from their kids, then read their diary “just to check”, scan their phone “just in case”, or burst into their room without knocking. All in the name of love. All in the name of safety. Children, especially preteens and teens, experience that as one blunt message: “I don’t believe you, and your inner world doesn’t belong to you.”
One 13-year-old boy described his mom secretly scrolling his chats while he was in the shower. She confronted him about a mildly rude message to a friend. The argument was loud and ugly. On the surface, it was about respect. Underneath, something deeper broke. “That day,” he said, “I learned never to write anything I don’t want my mom to see. So I just made a second account.” He didn’t stop talking to friends. He stopped letting his mother see his real life.
➡️ Researchers sound the alarm as orcas breach unusually close to collapsing ice
➡️ Put a slice of lemon in your cold oven: why more people are doing it, what it’s really for, and when it actually helps
# The discoveries & warnings that defined the week in case you missed them
Here is a summary of the important findings and alerts from this week if you did not see them earlier.
China has achieved a new world record in energy through an impressive accomplishment at its Tianwan solar plant with a 19.45-kilometre 220 kV transmission line
The project represents a major milestone in renewable energy infrastructure development. The facility demonstrates China’s continued investment in large-scale solar power generation and its commitment to expanding clean energy capacity across the country. The Tianwan solar plant now features one of the longest high-voltage transmission lines dedicated to solar energy distribution. This 220-kilovolt line stretches nearly twenty kilometres and enables efficient power transfer from the generation site to the electrical grid. This achievement highlights the technical capabilities required to build & operate such extensive renewable energy systems. The infrastructure allows the solar plant to deliver electricity across significant distances while maintaining voltage stability & minimizing transmission losses. China has been rapidly expanding its renewable energy portfolio in recent years. The country continues to lead global solar installation capacity & invests heavily in the technology and infrastructure needed to support its energy transition goals. The Tianwan project adds to China’s growing network of large-scale solar facilities. These installations play a crucial role in reducing reliance on fossil fuels and decreasing carbon emissions from the power sector. The successful completion of this transmission line demonstrates progress in solving one of the key challenges facing renewable energy deployment. Moving electricity efficiently from remote generation sites to population centres remains essential for maximizing the benefits of solar and wind power. This record-setting project reflects broader trends in the global energy sector. Countries worldwide are investing in renewable infrastructure and developing the transmission networks necessary to integrate variable power sources into existing electrical grids.
➡️ Nocturnal cramps: natural tips to ease the pain
➡️ Seniors Applaud New EU Directive Ensuring Lifetime Renewal of Driving Licences After Seventy
China spent twelve years dumping massive amounts of sand into the ocean to build entirely new islands where none existed before. The country transformed underwater reefs and shallow areas into solid land masses through this extensive land reclamation project. Chinese workers used dredging ships to scoop up sand from the ocean floor and deposit it in strategic locations. Layer by layer the sand accumulated until it rose above sea level & formed stable ground. This ambitious engineering effort created multiple artificial islands in disputed waters. The construction process involved moving millions of cubic meters of material and required constant work to prevent erosion from waves and currents. Workers then added concrete structures and facilities to reinforce the newly formed land. The project demonstrates how modern technology allows countries to literally expand their territory by creating land where only water existed. China built runways & military installations on some of these islands to establish a permanent presence in the region. The artificial islands now serve various purposes including military bases & civilian facilities. This massive undertaking changed the geography of the area and sparked international debate about territorial claims. The islands went from being submerged features to functioning pieces of land with buildings and infrastructure. The scale of the operation required sustained effort and resources over more than a decade to complete.
➡️ Official and confirmed: heavy snow is expected to begin late tonight, with alerts warning of major disruptions and travel chaos
Parents often justify this with fear of drugs, bullying, online predators. Those fears are real. *But constant surveillance is not the same as connection.* Kids who feel constantly monitored become experts at hiding. A middle path exists: clear agreements about devices, explaining the “why”, knocking before entering, and being honest if you ever need to check something. Respecting privacy is not abandoning them. It’s teaching them that their inner space has value, and that you are a partner, not a detective.
4. Refusing to let kids disagree or be angry
Some homes have an unwritten rule: the parent’s emotions count, the child’s are a problem. The moment a kid raises their voice, sighs, or rolls their eyes, they’re labeled “disrespectful”. Yet adults slam cupboards, curse in traffic, and complain about bosses all the time. When children learn early that anger from them is unacceptable, they don’t magically become more respectful. They become more hidden, more resentful, or more explosive in places you can’t see.
A quiet 11-year-old girl once told me, “My dad says I can talk to him about anything, but when I cried and told him he hurt my feelings, he said I was being dramatic and sent me to my room. So now I just say ‘it’s fine’.”
On paper, the dad loves his daughter deeply. He works two jobs, attends every recital. Yet he refuses to allow her to be upset with him. Love is conditional on her staying small, grateful, and calm. That doesn’t feel like love from the inside. It feels like walking on eggshells.
Kids need to learn how to express anger without destroying others, yes. They also need models for conflict that don’t end in punishment or withdrawal of affection. When a parent can say, “You’re really mad at me right now. I don’t like being yelled at, but I want to hear what’s going on,” something powerful happens. The child learns: my big feelings don’t make me unlovable. That’s the kind of emotional safety that keeps teenagers talking to you when life gets truly hard.
5. Refusing to adapt as the child grows
Here’s a quiet truth of family life: if you parent a 15-year-old the way you parented them at 5, you will lose them. Many loving parents get stuck in the past. They still talk to their kid like a little one, decide everything for them, choose their clothes, their hobbies, their friends. From the outside, it can look caring. Inside the relationship, it often feels suffocating. Affection without freedom slides into control.
Take the mom who still scheduled every minute of her 17-year-old’s week: extracurriculars, study time, even “approved” hangouts. The intentions were gold. She wanted her son to succeed, avoid trouble, enter a good college. Yet when acceptance letters came, he chose a university three states away. When asked why, his answer was blunt: “I just need to breathe.”
That distance wasn’t about hating his mom. It was his only path to a self big enough to live in.
Children are supposed to grow away from you rather than against you. Those are two different things. Adapting means you gradually shift from being a commander to becoming a consultant. You move from saying “Because I said so” to saying “Let’s figure this out together.” It means you let them experience small failures while you are still nearby instead of protecting them so much that they rebel later on. We have all experienced that moment when we realize our kid is not a kid anymore & we need to rewrite our approach. Parents who refuse to make that shift still love their children fiercely. They just love a version of their child that no longer exists.
6. Refusing to show their own vulnerability
Some parents wear emotional armor like a uniform. Always strong. Always fine. Never scared, never sad, never lost. They think they’re protecting their children from adult worries. What they often create is a strange distance: a home where the kid is the only one who seems to struggle, while the grown-ups are invincible. That makes it very hard for a child to bring their shame or confusion. They feel like the weak one in a world of strong people.
A 19-year-old told me about the night she finally blurted out to her mom that she was having panic attacks. Her mother’s response? “We’re not anxious people in this family. You’re just overthinking.” Later, the girl found out her mom had quietly taken anxiety medication for years. Imagine the difference if her mother had once said, “Sometimes my brain races too, here’s what helps me.” That kind of honesty doesn’t burden a child. It gives them a map.
Vulnerability doesn’t mean sharing every money problem or marriage argument with a 10-year-old. It means letting your child see you as a real person instead of someone who never makes mistakes. Say “I had a rough day” rather than acting like everything is always fine. Tell them “When I was your age I felt lonely at school too.” Kids who see their parents as real people are much more likely to ask for help when they’re struggling. Trying to seem perfect might look strong but it actually pushes your child away & makes them feel alone.
7. Refusing to say “I’m proud of you” for who they are, not just what they do
Achievement-driven love is one of the most socially accepted ways to push a child away. On the outside, it looks like support: extra tutoring, countless practices, endless pep talks. Underneath, many kids hear the same message: “You are lovable when you perform.” When parents only light up at grades, trophies, or impressive stories, they train their children to hide anything average, messy, or slow.
A boy who consistently earned excellent grades had a breakdown after receiving his first B. His father looked disappointed and the room became silent. There was no shouting or discipline. The warmth between them simply faded. The child explained that he would prefer to fail entirely rather than let his father down gradually each day. This reflects the mindset of a child who has learned that love depends on achievement. He was not worried about being punished. He was scared of losing his father’s emotional connection.
Saying “I’m proud of you” for kindness, resilience, honesty, or effort sends a different signal. It tells kids they are more than their report card or stat line. A useful practice is to regularly name one thing you appreciate about who they are, unrelated to any result. “I loved how patient you were with your little brother today” can land deeper than ten “Great job on that test” comments. Quietly, your child learns: I don’t have to earn my place here every week.
8. Refusing to let kids have boundaries with extended family
Family gatherings often become places where children face an unspoken test of loyalty. A child might say they don’t like when an uncle makes certain jokes or that they don’t want to hug a particular relative. The parent brushes it off with responses like “Don’t be rude” or “He’s just playing” or “Go on and give her a kiss.” The message comes through clearly: your discomfort is less important than meeting adult expectations. Many children carry these moments with them for years. They seem minor at the time but they influence how safe children feel in their own bodies and how confident they become in speaking up for themselves.
One 15-year-old girl said her parents never took her side when older cousins mocked her appearance. “They’d laugh along or tell me I was too sensitive. So I stopped going to family dinners as soon as I was old enough to choose.” Again, the parents didn’t stop loving her. They just chose harmony with others over loyalty to her. When that pattern repeats, teenagers don’t just withdraw from extended family. They withdraw from sharing their inner world at home.
Allowing a child to say “no” to unwanted touch, jokes, or conversations is not about turning them into divas. It’s about teaching them that their boundaries are real, even around people you love. You can respect Grandma and still say, “If she doesn’t want a hug, she can wave instead.” That tiny act tells your kid: I’ve got your back, even when it’s awkward. Kids who feel backed up at home are far less likely to look for that validation in dangerous places.
9. Refusing to repair after conflict, waiting for kids to “get over it”
Every family fights. Doors slam & words fly & eyes roll. The difference between a close family and a distant one is not the number of conflicts. It’s what happens next. Many parents believe time alone will heal everything. They wait for the child to calm down and act normal & pretend the blow-up never happened. No follow-up talk. No revisiting. Just a silent agreement to bury it. Kids do move on on the surface. Inside the pile of unspoken hurts grows taller.
A teenage boy explained that he knew exactly what would happen after every argument at home. They would yell at each other and both he & his mother would end up crying. The next morning she would ask if he wanted pancakes and act like nothing had happened. Whenever he tried to discuss what had upset them she would ask why he was bringing it up again. Eventually he stopped trying and just said he was fine before going to his room. By the time he turned 18 he had stopped sharing anything meaningful with her. His mother was completely surprised by this distance between them. She believed that avoiding conflict was the best way to maintain harmony in their relationship. What she did not realize was that this approach was destroying his trust in her.
Repair doesn’t mean having a two-hour therapy session after every disagreement. It can be as simple as saying “Last night got really heated and I didn’t like some of the things I said. Can we talk about how to do that better next time?” One sentence spoken regularly teaches your child that conflict is survivable and relationships can bend without breaking. That’s the kind of emotional glue that holds families together when life throws bigger storms.
Staying close without holding on too tight
Love exists in most families without question. What matters more is whether your child actually feels loved in a way that connects with them right now given who they are and what worries them. Many parents hold onto the belief that they did everything possible while their children silently feel unseen and misunderstood. This disconnect causes pain for everyone involved. The encouraging part is that you don’t need dramatic actions to begin fixing it. Sometimes all it takes is a sincere apology or truly listening to what they say or standing up for them when others are watching.
These nine refusals appear in everyday moments: the joke you keep making after they ask you to stop the phone you secretly check, the emotion you ignore because you’re exhausted. None of these things instantly make you a bad parent. But over time they send a clear message about whose feelings count most in your home. Changing this pattern even a little bit transforms the atmosphere. It shifts you from “I love you but only my way” to “I love you and I’m ready to grow alongside you.”
If reading this bothers you a bit that does not mean you have failed. It means you care enough to pay attention. Kids do not need perfect parents. They need reachable and teachable adults who sometimes make mistakes but keep showing up. The kind of parents who can say “I love you & I am learning” and then prove it in the ordinary everyday moments. Conversations about this are happening quietly in bedrooms and cars and therapy rooms everywhere. Maybe the next one happens at your kitchen table tonight.
| Key point | Detail | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| Apologizing and repairing | Owning mistakes and revisiting conflicts instead of pretending they never happened | Gives a simple roadmap to rebuild trust with kids of any age |
| Listening and adapting | Shifting from lecturing and controlling to asking questions and updating your parenting style | Helps keep communication open through the teen years |
| Respecting boundaries | Honoring privacy, emotions, and “no” with family and peers | Shows how to create emotional safety so children don’t drift away in silence |
FAQ:
- How do I apologize to my child without losing authority?Keep it simple and specific: “I yelled earlier and that wasn’t fair. I’m working on that.” You’re not giving up boundaries, you’re modeling accountability, which actually increases healthy authority.
- What if my child refuses to talk, even when I try to listen?Stay consistent and low-pressure. Offer small openings like “I’m here if you feel like talking later” and prove it by being calm when they do share, not by interrogating them.
- Is checking my kid’s phone always wrong?Context matters. Ideally, you agree on transparent rules together, explain your reasons, and review things with them, not behind their back. Secret snooping erodes trust faster than any single message you might find.
- How do I handle extended family who ignore my child’s boundaries?Step in gently but firmly: “She doesn’t like hugs, a high-five works better.” Have private conversations with relatives beforehand so your child sees you as an ally, not as another person minimizing them.
- What if I recognize myself in several of these “refusals”?Start with one small change instead of trying to fix everything at once. Tell your child, “I’ve realized I’ve been doing X, and I want to do better,” then focus on that area for a few weeks so they can feel the difference.
